all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
