FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
