Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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