Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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