I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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