I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
