he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
