I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
