I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
