I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you would pick up someone in the library
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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