: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
