If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
