I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
