Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
