Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
