My underwear smells like fireworks.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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