It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
