I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
