i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
