She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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