Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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