Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
