don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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