first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
