literally had 100 drinks last night.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
