I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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