so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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