I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
