come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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