Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
