I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
These tits shall not be calmed
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
