you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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