Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
