i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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