I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
