Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
