I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
