evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
