Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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