hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
