What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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