Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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