I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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