woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
