i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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