i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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