Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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