I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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