Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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