my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
