i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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