Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
